Question
Me: 29, good paying job, driven towards next goal, SVM 7
Her: 27, ok job, not happy with job likely will change careers soon, SVM 7
I met my wife about 5 years ago, and it was bliss. Everything was working smoothly, it was fun, it was easy, the sex was great. Everything besides our location. She was in the Northeast and I was in the Midwest. After we met on a one off dinner with friends, we saw each other a handful of times. This was a collection of convenient work trips or a dedicated weekend getaway. Each trip was intense, it just felt right.
For context, before her I was seeing multiple woman living my own life, which mostly revolved around work (military).
After a month of getting hot and heavy, but still uncertain of the future (she was moving cross country, my location and deployments complicate things, etc), her dad passed away.
She had a complicated relationship with both her parents, and deals with some level of abandonment issues. A lot of this I learned later, when her dad passes away he had known each other for a couple months and spent a handful of weekends together.
I was in a weird spot, unsure of how to convey to her my desire for her and a potential relationship but also not pushing myself onto her during a difficult time. We had a conversation about this and it ended with her telling me she didn’t care if I slept with other people but she wanted to keep me in her life. I read this as friendzone and she would hit me up one day in the future if it was convenient. We had plans for her to visit me a week after this conversation.
I slept with an old hook up shortly after that conversation. It was a mixture of rejection, confusion, and me wanting to see what it felt like to be with someone else. I felt this sense of guilt if I took her time at such a weird time for her without being a staple in her life, but also I felt this sense of entitlement to feel separate from her and be alone after that conversation where she said she didn’t care. I ended up feeling completely disgusted with myself sleeping with someone else and felt like I wanted to wait things out for this girl. I never told her about this girl.
Fast forward, we started dating, long distance, got married, and one day she asks about my past sexual history, specifically about my last sexual partner. And so I told her.
It didn’t go well. In fact, I’m afraid it’s broken us. She sees it as me cheating on her, a complete betrayal of not only sleeping with someone during that time but also not trusting her enough to tell her my feelings. The bottom line now is she doesn’t trust what kind of person I am, and is afraid I could feel so intensely with her but still turn around and sleep with someone the next day and she would never know. And for the record, since we’ve been actually dating and married, I haven’t messed around or fucked up at all.
We’ve fought about this, and tried to talk through it, for almost two years. Each fight ends horrible with her hitting herself and expressing suicidal thoughts, and me feeling like absolute garbage.
She is definitely depressed, and I think I am also depressed.
This is the backdrop. I’ve had some hard conversations with her recently because I’ve gotten fed up with our situation. I’m not happy with the relationship, I don’t feel sexual passion for her, I’m afraid to argue with her. She has a strong victim mentality, so when I criticize something it is immediately met with “well I am a shitty wife so of course I don’t fill-in-the-blank”. I’m finally realizing it’s not my job the fix her. I want to help her but I don’t know how. During our ‘good times’ when we’re not fighting, things are good. But during the struggle is when our relationship really shows it’s ugly head. There’s no trust or respect.
I want to put my energy towards getting better snd my career and my future, not constantly fighting and dealing with the emotional hurricane. I know that alone makes me feel more resentful. She wants to feel close to me and know me, but all I feel from her is that she is too sensitive and judges me for my decision and desires.
I feel like I have good self-value, and I feel like she does not have good self value. I think I am more driven than her, and want to attack something to find resolution, and then move on. I very much want to seize the fucking day, live in the past only to learn from it and then forget the rest.
My question: for someone living together in a marriage, at what point in a disagreement and inability to see eye to eye on something, do you jump off the train?
If I could ask a second question, it would be, what advice in managing her while living with her and trying to make the marriage work?
Thank you a million. I work closely with some Canadian forces in my job, and they are good dudes. I can pick up on your accent mostly because of them.
Answer
You hit the nail on the head.
It does sound like she's projecting an abandonment wound.
Basically, anything that she or her intuition picks up that looks, smells or walks like abandonment, even just talk suggesting someone might leave her, most likely gets her on her toes. For the record, this is a completely normal human response to having dealt with abandonment especially in early childhood. The mind simply creates a protective addition around being abandoned to protect the person from being abandoned in the future. People who have this wound can also have a problem with commitment, because once there is commitment, there really is the possibility of loss. I would not jump off the train for something as mediocre as this. All she needs is to be reassured and assured that you love her and that you will not abandon her. On the other hand, if you do not really love her and are willing to abandon her, then she has a valid reason to feel the way she does. Sit down, be a man and embrace Direct, Clear and Truthful communication with her. Don't throw people away because they struggle with something that hurt them in the past. Everyone has things like this, and its something people can and do grow through especially with the right attitude and support. Lastly, any relationship worth having, will be one where both parties are open to and willing to work and grow together with less or no judgement of eachother's "stuff". Real Love, can only exist in a state of complete acceptance. You only truly Love her, if you completely and utterly accept her with her "perceived" glitches. A great man helps a woman see her true value. Hope you find your truth. Blessings
