Me: 29, good paying job, driven towards next goal, SVM 7
Her: 27, ok job, not happy with job likely will change careers soon, SVM 7
I met my wife about 5 years ago, and it was bliss. Everything was working smoothly, it was fun, it was easy, the sex was great. Everything besides our location. She was in the Northeast and I was in the Midwest. After we met on a one off dinner with friends, we saw each other a handful of times. This was a collection of convenient work trips or a dedicated weekend getaway. Each trip was intense, it just felt right.
For context, before her I was seeing multiple woman living my own life, which mostly revolved around work (military).
After a month of getting hot and heavy, but still uncertain of the future (she was moving cross country, my location and deployments complicate things, etc), her dad passed away.
She had a complicated relationship with both her parents, and deals with some level of abandonment issues. A lot of this I learned later, when her dad passes away he had known each other for a couple months and spent a handful of weekends together.
I was in a weird spot, unsure of how to convey to her my desire for her and a potential relationship but also not pushing myself onto her during a difficult time. We had a conversation about this and it ended with her telling me she didn’t care if I slept with other people but she wanted to keep me in her life. I read this as friendzone and she would hit me up one day in the future if it was convenient. We had plans for her to visit me a week after this conversation.
I slept with an old hook up shortly after that conversation. It was a mixture of rejection, confusion, and me wanting to see what it felt like to be with someone else. I felt this sense of guilt if I took her time at such a weird time for her without being a staple in her life, but also I felt this sense of entitlement to feel separate from her and be alone after that conversation where she said she didn’t care. I ended up feeling completely disgusted with myself sleeping with someone else and felt like I wanted to wait things out for this girl. I never told her about this girl.
Fast forward, we started dating, long distance, got married, and one day she asks about my past sexual history, specifically about my last sexual partner. And so I told her.
It didn’t go well. In fact, I’m afraid it’s broken us. She sees it as me cheating on her, a complete betrayal of not only sleeping with someone during that time but also not trusting her enough to tell her my feelings. The bottom line now is she doesn’t trust what kind of person I am, and is afraid I could feel so intensely with her but still turn around and sleep with someone the next day and she would never know. And for the record, since we’ve been actually dating and married, I haven’t messed around or fucked up at all.
We’ve fought about this, and tried to talk through it, for almost two years. Each fight ends horrible with her hitting herself and expressing suicidal thoughts, and me feeling like absolute garbage.
She is definitely depressed, and I think I am also depressed.
This is the backdrop. I’ve had some hard conversations with her recently because I’ve gotten fed up with our situation. I’m not happy with the relationship, I don’t feel sexual passion for her, I’m afraid to argue with her. She has a strong victim mentality, so when I criticize something it is immediately met with “well I am a shitty wife so of course I don’t fill-in-the-blank”. I’m finally realizing it’s not my job the fix her. I want to help her but I don’t know how. During our ‘good times’ when we’re not fighting, things are good. But during the struggle is when our relationship really shows it’s ugly head. There’s no trust or respect.
I want to put my energy towards getting better snd my career and my future, not constantly fighting and dealing with the emotional hurricane. I know that alone makes me feel more resentful. She wants to feel close to me and know me, but all I feel from her is that she is too sensitive and judges me for my decision and desires.
I feel like I have good self-value, and I feel like she does not have good self value. I think I am more driven than her, and want to attack something to find resolution, and then move on. I very much want to seize the fucking day, live in the past only to learn from it and then forget the rest.
My question: for someone living together in a marriage, at what point in a disagreement and inability to see eye to eye on something, do you jump off the train?
If I could ask a second question, it would be, what advice in managing her while living with her and trying to make the marriage work?
Thank you a million. I work closely with some Canadian forces in my job, and they are good dudes. I can pick up on your accent mostly because of them.
You’re probably not going to want to read this message because there’s hard truth in it, it’s the message you should read though. Marriage is hard. It’s not all bliss. There are times when divorce is ideal but those situations are rare.
Marriage was once truly until death did you part, today we are more liberal about marriage and divorce is easy to get done. No real stigma, no lasting stigma at least, no familial pressure. Wives today are just girlfriends who are expensive to break up with.
I’ve been married for 12 years. It’s been great but it has not been without its very rough spots. Rough spots are in our future. Unless she tried to kill you or straight up cucks you, most of what you have to do is suck it up, work it out. Spoiler alert. You’re going to fuck up. Keep trying.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and the discouragement in your words. It seems like you are digging deep to find resolution to this situation.
My son is your age and one of his friends went through a similar situation. I spent a lot of time talking it through with him. So, I feel like I know where you are coming from to some degree.
It sounds like two things need to happen:
As for you. You need to forgive yourself. Right, wrong, or indifferent, you made your choice to be with an old girlfriend based on the information you were given at the time. You realized after the fact, it was a mistake for YOU based on your feelings for her. Notice, you didn't say you felt like you cheated on her. At that moment, you trusted her words in that, you were in the friend zone. It sounds like your guilt stems from betraying your own heart by sleeping with someone while you were in love with somewhere else. That guilt was later compounded by the fact that you now realize how much pain your mistake caused her, and the affect it has had on your marriage. You learned several valuable lessons. Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember, that one act does not define you or the man you are. The definition of the man you are comes after the mistake you made, which is: 1. how you dealt with it, 2. what you learned from it, and 3. how you apply it to the rest of your life. It is also important to note that when faced with the question, you owned it. You should be proud of yourself for your openness and honesty.
As for her. Her issues are rooted much deeper than that one act. Granted, what you did, didn't earn you any gold stars, but that is not the root problem. It is the problem that revealed the issues she has been suffering through. She needs your compassion, support, and help right now. Don't join her in the fights. Take a deep breath and try to de-escalate the situation, do not add to it.
My grandmother said true love doesn't die, but it does change and shifts as you get older. The hope is when you get to the other side of this, your love will be deeper.
My suggestion is to tie a knot and hang on a little longer. She needs to find a counselor to help her with her childhood abandonment and trust issues. Couples counseling would help too. Another suggestion would be to find an older couple that you both admire and trust. Maybe they can help mentor you as a couple. Sometimes we see happy couples that have been married 30+ years and think they have always been that way. Guaranteed they have been through some serous trials too that always broke their marriage.
Please remember she, nor your relationship, got this way overnight so, it will not be fixed over night either. Re-evaluate where you are in a few months.
Look the fact is unstable marriages occur, and these issues are part of marriage life. Nobody is happily married ever after. Do not get depressed. When a relationship grows and strengthens, the emotional maturity of both parties regarding that relationship also grows and strengthens. In the beginning of any human-to-human relationship, there is a high level of unbalance, where each person is trying to find their footing. When a relationship is more solidified, and both parties are more emotionally mature in that relationship, their sense of self does shift. It grows through shared experiences, communication, respect, and other relationships things that happen over the general course of a relationship. Activating that selflessness that is a necessary component in successful relationships sometimes involves giving things up, pieces of our sense of self to accommodate the growth in our relationship. That things were good. When God is in the center of any relationship, both parties feel fulfilled, not because it’s a perfect fit, but because God fills in all the gaps where the puzzle pieces don’t quite come together, so in a way, a marriage with God in the center has a huge advantage over other marriages, but it doesn’t mean that things won’t work with these other marriages, it just means that things will most likely be much, much harder and more work over the course of the relationship.
You can read more here: https://theartofsimple.net/will-we-ever-see-eye-to-eye/
Besides if you do have any questions give me a call: https://clarity.fm/joy-brotonath
Marriage is a big thing friend. For your question on at what point in a marriage should you jump ship, the answer is only when the abuse becomes physical. This means that harm or even death can come in at that point. But apart from this, at no point in life should you leave your spouse. Marriage is like a mansion, it takes a long time to construct. If you decide to opt out at this point, you will start the building with a new woman meaning you have wasted the 5 years that you have known her.
People erroneously believe that marriage is always all bliss and that the fighting is always short term. This is not the case most times as mood swings and unhappiness can last for years in a relationship. Even at that, the love will prevail at the end. Marriage is not happiness, it is the greatest job that you can ever take on. Marriage is time consuming and emotionally tasking. So you might say why do I have to do this then-for the future when you are old. If you go for another woman, she will still develop the same kind of problem that you think this one has so it is not worth it. And like they say, you never have a better marriage than the first one. The sex and every "head in the cloud" emotion is beginning to dissipate and reality is starting to set in. She's just going through bad times because of her lost loved ones and her new status as being married because contrary to all opinions, marriage actually does restrict human freedom. Stay with her and help her get through this rough times, it might be for three or four years but your relationship will come out stronger on the other side and you would be glad you did. Call me if you have any more questions and I say to you: Welcome to Manhood.
You hit the nail on the head.
It does sound like she's projecting an abandonment wound.
Basically, anything that she or her intuition picks up that looks, smells or walks like abandonment, even just talk suggesting someone might leave her, most likely gets her on her toes. For the record, this is a completely normal human response to having dealt with abandonment especially in early childhood. The mind simply creates a protective addition around being abandoned to protect the person from being abandoned in the future. People who have this wound can also have a problem with commitment, because once there is commitment, there really is the possibility of loss. I would not jump off the train for something as mediocre as this. All she needs is to be reassured and assured that you love her and that you will not abandon her. On the other hand, if you do not really love her and are willing to abandon her, then she has a valid reason to feel the way she does. Sit down, be a man and embrace Direct, Clear and Truthful communication with her. Don't throw people away because they struggle with something that hurt them in the past. Everyone has things like this, and its something people can and do grow through especially with the right attitude and support. Lastly, any relationship worth having, will be one where both parties are open to and willing to work and grow together with less or no judgement of eachother's "stuff". Real Love, can only exist in a state of complete acceptance. You only truly Love her, if you completely and utterly accept her with her "perceived" glitches. A great man helps a woman see her true value. Hope you find your truth. Blessings