My child has self-confidence issues and doesn't always believe her first answer is right, although it is most of the time. How do I help her?

Hi there,

As a former child myself (and still learning to be an adult :-) ), I used to have this same issue. Without more detail, it is very difficult for us to say how we can help your child with her communication issues/self-confidence issue.

Is your child currently living in a perfectionist environment? She might feel the pressure to always get the right answer on her first try/attempt. In this regard, it is imperative to let her know that most people are not "right" in their first few attempts in doing ANYTHING. Even revolutionary business leaders/public figures like Elon Musk, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison, Michael Jordan, Stephen Curry, Tom Brady, among others make mistakes and then ITERATE on those mistakes to get the solution.

My advice would be to ask her a couple of thoughtful, pointed questions to get to the root cause of her self-doubt and, ultimately, let her know that it is perfectly okay to be wrong. No one has the answers all the time and we will definitely face problems as we go through life (some problems don't even have solutions, and we have to be okay with it). The key is to learn from our mistakes so that we minimize the possibility of repeating these same mistakes.

Happy to jump on a quick call to offer my guidance on which questions you can ask and achieve your desired outcome.

Best,
Kevin

Hello, Caring Parent!

First, as an attorney, social worker, educator and empowerment coach, I can tell you that it's not easy to build confidence and communicate, no matter how young we are or what our role in life is each day. :)

The spoken and unspoken messages we receive from all around us - friends, colleagues, family, media, teachers, strangers, parents - help shape and socialize us. We've all had moments when we question ourselves and wonder whether our answer was the "right" answer. In other words, learning to be a person is hard, and it never stops. It's perfectly normal to question our decisions and how we communicate our needs and wants to others, even after it's said and done.

That being said, what I think you're actually getting at is trust, not necessarily about self-confidence or communication.

Understanding why we think the way we do, what we think and how it changes our future thoughts and behaviors, that's one of the most important lessons we can all learn.

The idea of intuition, an internal "gut" feeling, is linked to the external demonstration of who we are (and who we will become) as people. Your question asks how YOU can help HER. It seems that an important piece of the puzzle could be trust.

Whatever decision your child makes, whether it's the "gut" decision or the rationalized, justified, weighed decision, it's important that you support your child's right to make the decision she made, even if you think it's the wrong one. Your child needs to know you trust her (and also that you trust yourself and your role as parent). From there, she can learn to trust herself and process the reaction/response from others without internalizing it as her own. This isn't the final "answer" to the question, of course. There's a million questions I want to ask, but at least this can be a start. :)

I've been working directly with others - from 8th graders to retirees - for about 20 years now, helping them figure out who they are, what they want and why they want it. I especially love working with people who think they've got it all figured out, too! :) You'd be surprised at how often "using your voice" comes up as a topic of concern. I'd be happy to jump on a call to discuss more, if you'd like.

You've got this, okay? And so does she. Take care.

I am an introvert turned extrovert.

I dealt with the same issues growing up. I was extremely introverted because of it. One of the main reasons for social anxiety or lack of confidence is that. In every person there’s a desire to be accepted by your peers. Wether at school or in the work place. People need to feel accepted. One reason a lot of people get anxious around people or lack confidence. Is they fear not being accepted.

If you’d like to talk more about. Schedule a call.

The best way you can help your daughter with her self confidence issues is to teach her and show her how to love herself even if you have to be her guide. I would first start by just acting normal, casually ask them what makes them feel bad about themselves help yourself understand. With most teenage girls boys and friends have a very big hold on there life and they may want to fit in. Help them change there style if they want teach them the works of makeup help them boost there confidence and most importantly keep her busy ! Never let your child stay in bed for to long especially with self esteem issues it can and will lead to depression.

Hi, I know my answer is late, I hope you made progress with your daugther's issue, however, if she's still dealing with it , downlaod Elevate app, it's a brain game app for all ages, contains language and math games that depend on multi-choice answers and timing, with unlimited re-play possibility, moreover the family can help by showing her that the first answer is not anyway punishable even when it's wrong.

In my opinion, self confidence cannot be taught. It's something that people gradually learn by themselves.
I recommend you to just set an example of confidence for her in your day-to-day life to influence her. You can also just try to be positive and encourage her often, such as complimenting her and not acting all disappointed if she gets a bad grade.

Basically, just be positive to her and try to influence her by being more confident in your own life since you can't directly make someone confident.