Someone is asking for help and not answering questions that I need to know because they are too focused on negativity and complaining.
More details would help...is this an employee? A client? A prospect?
Overall I'd say leave them alone to stew in their own juice, if they're tied up with a negative mentality. You cannot change people. When they're ready to change, they'll find you again.
If it's really important, and you're willing to risk the relationship (however thin it may be), sit down with them in person if possible. If not, live by phone. Not by email. And confront them about it.
Sounds like:
"John, I really want to help you here. I hear you saying you want help. Do you really want help to get out of your situation?"
(wait for answer)
If positive: "Okay. Can I be kind of blunt with you?"
(wait for answer)
If positive: "All right. Promise you won't get mad?"
(wait for answer)
If positive: *sigh* "I've noticed something. You're free to agree or disagree of course...here it is. Every time I've tried to talk with you about this and get a solution in the works, you've blocked the conversation with super-high negativity. It's stopped me cold. I get the feeling you're really not interested in fixing this: that what you really want is someone to complain to. What do you think?"
And pause.
You're going to get a response here, one way or the other. Either the person is going to erupt defensively, or they'll sheepishly agree with you. In either case you now know for certain what you're dealing with.
If positive: "I really do want to help you. Do you believe I can help, if we talk through this, come up with a plan of action, and you go carry it out? Do you believe you can change the situation?"
Speak in a nurturing tone throughout. Never argue. What you're doing is uncovering the true motivation here. Either the person wants to change or they don't. You cannot make them change, or want to change. Just discover their real motive.
If negative anywhere along the line, it's probably time to leave the conversation. You can do a takeaway, "All right, I guess this just isn't for you" and get up to leave, but it will probably remain that way.
With prospects, it is best to "fight" up front rather than later on after money has changed hands. You want to know exactly who you're dealing with before you take them on. If this is a friend, you may want to go the "Leave it alone for now" route.
Keep in mind at all times that you cannot change people; they can only change themselves. You can't want it badly enough for them that they'll make the change.
Most of my clients relate to asking them "If you meet yourself a year from now and you ask yourself "How was your past year?", what are the 3 most positive things that you'll want to hear to impress you and stay interested in what they have to say?
If you'd like more "clarity" on this, I'd be happy to discuss further with you in a follow up call.
I would set ground rules for providing assistance. Make it clear that you will no longer listen to complaint or negativity as it is counter productive. Let them know that feedback is always welcome, but it must have proposed solutions if it is to be taken into consideration.
Og Mandino once said, “The weakest living creature by concentrating his power on a single object, can accomplish good results while the strongest, by dispersing his effort over many chores may fail to accomplish anything. Drops of water by continually falling, hone their passage through the hardest rocks, but the hasty torrent rushes over it with hideous power and leaves no trace behind.” This is what focus is and this is your answer too. Try to make him focus on one single positive object and he will accomplish good results.
Besides if you do have any questions give me a call: https://clarity.fm/joy-brotonath
Recapturing someone's focus when they are overwhelmed by negativity and complaints requires empathy, patience, and strategic communication. Here are some effective strategies to help redirect their attention:
### 1. **Acknowledge Their Feelings:**
- **Empathy and Validation:** Start by acknowledging their feelings. Let them know you understand their frustration and that their feelings are valid. For example, "I can see that you're really upset about this situation, and it's understandable."
### 2. **Set Boundaries and Stay Focused:**
- **Gentle Redirection:** Politely steer the conversation back to the topic at hand. Use phrases like, "I understand that this is a difficult time for you. To help you better, can we focus on [specific issue] for a moment?"
- **Clarify Purpose:** Remind them of the purpose of the conversation. For instance, "I want to make sure we address your concerns effectively, so I need to ask a few questions to understand the situation better."
### 3. **Use Active Listening Techniques:**
- **Reflective Listening:** Repeat back what they’ve said to show you’re listening and to clarify their concerns. For example, "It sounds like you’re really frustrated with [issue]. Let’s see how we can address that."
- **Paraphrasing:** Summarize their complaints succinctly and ask for confirmation. "So, if I understand correctly, you’re upset because of [issue]. Is that right?"
### 4. **Ask Specific, Open-Ended Questions:**
- **Focused Questions:** Ask questions that are specific and require more than a yes or no answer. This helps guide them towards providing the information you need. For example, "Can you tell me more about what happened when [specific event]?"
- **Sequential Questions:** Break down your questions into smaller, more manageable parts. "First, let’s talk about [specific aspect]. Then we can move on to [next aspect]."
### 5. **Offer Solutions and Positive Reinforcement:**
- **Solution-Oriented Approach:** Shift the focus from the problem to potential solutions. "What do you think could help improve this situation?"
- **Positive Reinforcement:** Reinforce any positive or constructive comments they make. "That's a great point. Let's explore that further."
### 6. **Create a Calm Environment:**
- **Stay Calm:** Maintain a calm and composed demeanor to help de-escalate their negativity.
- **Breaks if Needed:** If the conversation becomes too heated or unproductive, suggest taking a short break and revisiting the discussion later. "Let's take a quick break and come back to this in a few minutes."
### 7. **Use Visual Aids and Written Notes:**
- **Visual Aids:** Sometimes, using diagrams, charts, or written notes can help refocus the conversation and make it easier to follow.
- **Written Summary:** Provide a written summary of key points discussed and next steps to keep the conversation on track.
### 8. **Empower and Encourage:**
- **Empowerment:** Encourage them to take an active role in finding solutions. "What steps do you think we can take together to resolve this?"
- **Encouragement:** Offer words of encouragement and support. "I believe we can work through this together. Let’s focus on how we can make things better."
### Example Scenario:
**Person:** "Everything is going wrong. Nothing is working, and I just can't deal with this anymore!"
**You:** "I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It sounds incredibly frustrating. I want to help you as best as I can. Can we start by looking at what specifically isn’t working for you right now?"
**Person:** "It’s just everything! I’m overwhelmed."
**You:** "I understand it feels like a lot. Let’s take it one step at a time. Can you tell me about one particular issue that’s bothering you the most? Once we tackle that, we can move on to the next."
By acknowledging their feelings, setting boundaries, and using strategic questions and active listening, you can help them refocus and work towards a constructive conversation.
