First, congratulations for recognizing that some people are more beneficial and help to you than others (even if they are your own family members). Even though we want to allow everyone to be their true self (even if that true self is detrimental to our plans). Everyone that cross our paths are there for a reason (even the ones that drive us crazy). Take the time to appreciate the reason this particular person is in your life; then acknowledge how that person enriched your life (even if it was to show you what not do or how not to act); then release and love at a distance. Unconditional love means loving and allowing everyone to be the way they want to live. But it doesn't mean you have to love them up close and personal. Sending them love and good wishes from a distance works just as well.
Every annoyance and fault we notice in someone is a mirror into ourselves. Take a moment to learn what is driving you nutty about that person and do a self-assessment in yourself. Tweak some self-improvement in yourselves and bless that person for annoying you toward self-improvement.
Then start noticing and focusing on their positive attributes. Not everyone is 100% toxic. There are good points to everyone. The more you appreciate the positive attributes and admire those traits, the less the negative traits will affect you. The more you call out to those positive traits, the more they will exhibit those traits toward you.
Then of course, start distancing yourself from the traits that annoy you. Set boundaries for yourself and that person. For instance, if that person is always late - then disengage from expecting this person to arrive on time. Refuse to travel with him/her; don't couple the starting of any event to their arrival; plan to meet them where you are already going to be such that if they don't show up, you can still have a good time and accomplish your goals. This way they can be "who they really are" without affecting your way of being.
Clearly articulating your standards and boundaries will accomplish either one of two things:
1) Attract people that share the same standards or want those same standards
2) Repel people that don't want to meet those standards.
Focus your energies on attracting the people that you want to surround yourself with; and those that don't match your standards will magically disappear.
I have lots of experience with this. I try to practice detaching with love. I don't think anyone is inherently toxic. In my experience most relationships that reach "toxic" levels are because there are unspoken expectations that the other party feels guilty about not meeting which creates a dynamic of resentment and obligation. If I draw clear boundaries, stick to them and am 100% honest about what is and isn't working for me in the relationship / situation, the "toxins" dissipate. Often times there is strong reaction to boundaries (esp with family) that may create a distance but ultimately if you keep the focus on yourself and act with integrity, you've done all that you can. All relationships are 50/50 and sometimes we don't have a choice on who we engage with. We don't all have the same goals and intentions so exposing that can be freeing.
Alternatively, if you are interested in "removing" them, it's always an option. If I nourish the relationships that move me fwd and put less energy into the ones that don't work for me or am honest about why they aren't working, they either adapt or fade away.
This book Crucial Accountability http://amzn.to/1nwYG2C might help too. They also wrote a book Crucial Conversations. Hope that helps, happy to chat more if you need more specific advice.
or bathe with baking soda
run and run as quickly as possible
the world is so big, stay away from
the strange-eg social deviant
depress all the time
The first strategy is to acknowledge that no family is perfect. No matter how Leave It To Beaver or The Cosby Show a family looks on the outside, there are always conflicts, differences, rivalries, competitions, comparisons and yes, past stucknesses that are common. If you understand it, it gives you a different perspective on your own.
Secondly, I would suggest to you is to look within. When a good friend of mine perceived an intensity around something with a family member that was disproportionate, she asked me, "What pain/memory inside of you has Life come to heal?" What is unresolved inside of you that this family member is stirring up? Are you holding on to something you need to let go? A memory. A feeling. An event. What is it?
And please understand, it might be an ideal that you are holding on to. Taking a page from my own life, my dad taught us girls to stick together no matter what. However, some of the choices that we made made it impossible. The discomfort that we experienced was when one or all of us kept trying to uphold my dad's belief and force the other siblings to do the same. When I surrendered the need for things to be different--which really is the definition for forgiveness--I could choose who to be around and when. When I surrendered the need for my sister(s) to be different, I took better care of my emotional health - putting it first - and chose not to go to certain family events or, if I did, limit my exposure to them. This removed me emotionally making it impossible for toxicity to find a reservoir.
Lastly, I cultivated an open and willing spirit so that, should a change of heart happen in my sister(s), I would welcome them without trepidation. The key here however is change of heart. If someone is stuck in a reality of you that makes it impossible for them to see you beyond it, there is no reconciliation.
These are the strategies and insight I offer to you. If you need more help, I provide relationship coaching as part of my life coaching suite of services and would be happy to be of further assistance.